


No Requiem

by pleasekalemenow



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Processing Grief, poor zoe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 17:57:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18238325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasekalemenow/pseuds/pleasekalemenow
Summary: In the wake of Evan’s deception, Zoe finally notices the small truths he gave her.Warnings: Slight spoilers if you don’t know how DEH ends, mentions of suicide victim, tons of angst with no resolution





	No Requiem

It took a week and a half before Zoe was finally able to process what had happened. Evan. Her Evan. Connor’s best— _only—_ friend. The guy she’d fallen in love with. The only person she’d ever known who was always sincere and kind to everyone.

He’d lied to her.

He’d _lied._

And he’d lied in the worst possible way. He’d pretended to be the best friend of her dead brother—and for what? Did he want fame? Friendship? Money? Family? She made herself sick, lying awake at four in the morning wondering what he could have possibly had to gain. She knew the reason he’d _given_ , the day he finally admitted what he’d done. But he’d lied about _everything._ Why should she believe his sorry excuse?

Her scariest theory: he’d done it, all of it, to get close to her. In Con— _Evan’s_ letter, he’d said that all his hopes were in her. Who he didn’t even know. Whenever she thought about it, her chest seized up. Had she given him what he wanted—what he’d lied to the whole world to get? She only considered that theory a few times. Each time she did, she sobbed until her throat was so raw that her voice sounded hoarse the next day.

Now, it had been a full month. She hadn’t heard from Evan. Not that she wanted to. Not that there was anything he could say that would make things better—would make her feel better. She sat at the table, pushing food around her plate, with her parents and the chair that somehow felt emptier now than when Connor died, silence thick in the air. For a while, they had tried to make small talk, but they had long since given up on that. The grief they all felt was still so heavy that it smothered any attempt at moving forward for now. Her parents had lost two sons, in a way. And Zoe…

Zoe stood. “I’m going to go to my room, okay?”

Her mother nodded. “Sure, honey. Clear your place at the table on your way.”

“Okay.” She was already piling up her dishes and walking towards the kitchen. She rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher on autopilot, then went in her room, closed the door, and fell back on her bed facing the ceiling.

Pulling out her phone was automatic at this point. She opened her text history with Evan, like she’d done far too many times since everything happened. She really meant to delete these messages. She meant to block him and delete his contact info. She kept telling herself she would do it later, but she knew full well that later would never come. She read their messages over and over again, desperately searching for a hint of the truth. But the only new thing she ever found was new pain.

That was the part she couldn’t stop reliving. How could she have missed something so huge? If she couldn’t tell that her boyfriend was lying to her about everything for almost a year, how could she trust anyone again? How could she trust herself and her own judgement again? She’d add those to the never-ending list of questions that would surely haunt her for a long time. Shutting down that line of thought, she scrolled to one of their last conversations. 

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

hey I had a great time with you last night!! sorry Ive been acting sorta weird lately. the orchard is kinda really stressing me otu haha

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

out*

**To: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

I had a great time too! whys it stressing you out ? i know youve been really excited about it and everythign

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

idk

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

I guess its just knowing how much is riding on this and like dealing with getting funding and stuff

**To: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

I thought finding was coming along smoothly

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

so did i

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

idk

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

Forget it, im just being too anxious about it. hanging out with you really helped :) 

**To: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

yea, im sure it was the “hanging out” that helped ;)

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

you know your mom at any point could probably pick up your phone and read this 

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

or your dad

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

Im too young to die, Zoe

**To: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

eh, they think of you as their son in law already anyway lol

**From: <3 TREE HUGGER <3**

theyre already tolling the wedding bells, huh? XD

She closed her phone, tossed it on the bed beside her, and ran her hands over her face, letting out a shaky breath and trying to ignore the burning of her eyes. In retrospect, she realized that he was probably stressed because he could see the threads of his lies beginning to unravel. It crushed her, the weight of all that had gone wrong. And it hurt even more because she couldn’t forget all that had gone right before then. Or, after then. Now that she thought about it, things really went wrong before anything even started. Before they even had a chance.

The lies he told about Connor made things even harder. When he was alive, she’d never really felt like she had a brother. More like there was a monster living in her house with her. But, for a few blissful months, Evan’s lies made her feel like she had a brother for the first time. It was bittersweet, of course, feeling like she hadn’t known her brother until he was gone, but at least she’d “known” him for a while. Now it was like she’d lost him all over again, but even worse. She once again didn’t know him. She had to develop a method of differentiating the truth from the lies; she often found herself remembering something about Connor, only to realize that it was just something Evan had told her. When she remembered the harsh reality—that Connor hadn’t ever said a nice word about her that she knew of—it shattered her.

Connor didn’t like her smile.

Connor didn’t notice her eccentricities.

Connor didn’t think anything of the indigo streaks she put in her hair.

Connor didn’t care about the way that she danced like a maniac.

Connor didn’t think of her as his world, his everything.

Connor didn’t love her.

It was all Evan.

Zoe choked back a sob and finally admitted the worst truth of all: not everything Evan said was completely untrue.

At that moment, her phone buzzed. She was upright in an instant, checking to see who texted her. It was a friend from school. She couldn’t help the way her shoulders sank in disappointment. She didn’t know what she was expecting, anyway. It’s not like there was anything he could say that could make things better.

They were a million worlds apart.


End file.
